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More on FEMA’s latest follies

After I posted yesterday about FEMA’s most recent “heck of a job, Brownie” moment, Shel got to digging.

Who, he wondered, is this Tribute Contracting LLC — this inexperienced Tiffany Brown who knew how to play the federal system so well that she snookered herself a $156 million deal she didn’t have a prayer of fulfilling? A deal to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Ricans desperate for hurricane relief.

Well, naturally she can check off every box on the “you have to hire me if I’m no damn good” list.

But even with that, you have to ask (or, sorry, you don’t because you already know), “Why didn’t somebody at FEMA ask whether Ms. Brown could check the boxes for ‘experienced’ and ‘competent’ and ‘able to deliver'”?

Or how ’bout something as basic as “literate enough to sign a contract”?

Shel sent me to her website, where this flashed by so quickly I couldn’t believe what I’d seen — until I grabbed a screenshot of it:

You must embiggen (really, you must) to get the full glory of this woman’s competence.

But no wonder FEMA (apparently having no contractors lined up, 12 years after Katrina) fell for her despite her inability even to flesh out a ready-made website template. With, you know, actual words. In English.

‘Cause look at all those Valuable Services (complete with capital letters) she and her “team” of construction-management-food-delivery-cloud-computing-disaster-relief-refrigerated-truck mavens can supply. But only to governments, of course. (Oh, and I forgot laundry management, too. That’s on a different page.)

Yes, and look at all those hundreds of consultants, bazillions of contracts fulfilled with 100% satisfaction, those worldwide locations!

(I wonder whether the Cool Whirling Counters ™ that came with her Buy-It-In-a-Box Website ™ stop at the same numbers every time or change up just to make it look more interesting.)

And you just know they — the FEMA Brownies — never checked.

Yes, no wonder Ms Brown won FEMA hearts and contracts. She’s right there on their level, where they all belong. And you also know where the entire lot of them belong now.

But did you catch that line from the NYT article? “She is seeking a settlement of at least $70 million.” ‘Cause it’s not her fault, of course. Nothing is anybody’s fault. That would be racist. Or sexist. Or classist. Or sensible. Or something.

Pity the poor Puerto Ricans, though. Victims of Mother Nature, but victims first, second, and always of crap government.


  1. david
    david February 7, 2018 2:36 pm

    Sadly, I can no longer un-embiggen nor un-see this website. But, really, one has to wonder if anyone so clearly stupid would have completed any of those contracts successfully.

  2. brew
    brew February 7, 2018 3:29 pm

    “Get Touch With Us”….

    Wow… just Wow… now I haz the dumms just for looking at that screenshot…

  3. lairdminor
    lairdminor February 7, 2018 3:38 pm

    One can immediately discern Ms Brown’s race from the writing “style”. And now you’re all going to call me a racist. But it’s the sad truth. And it also explains (at least partially) why she was awarded the contract.

  4. larryarnold
    larryarnold February 7, 2018 4:24 pm

    But Wait! There’s More!

    Apparently she is Dr. Tiffany Brown. “Graduating with a degree in Political Science from the prestigious Spelman College in 2001, a Master’s degree in Public Administration from Clark Atlanta in 2004 and also a Doctorate in Public Policy from Walden University in 2009, Dr. Brown earned these achievements through determination and the desire to achieve her goals.”

  5. Claire
    Claire February 7, 2018 4:30 pm

    And more! And more! According to your link she also writes books, does interior design, and is a consultant on both beauty and “health and wellness.” All this AND construction management, cloud computing, running a fleet of refrigerated trucks driven by 230 consultants, and saving Puerto Ricans one $3,000 meal at a time.

    A true Renaissance Woman. It’s completely understandable if, while achieving all those … er, achievements she somehow failed to find a few moments to learn elementary English.

  6. Claire
    Claire February 7, 2018 4:32 pm

    lairdminor — I dunno. I thought “show the way to successive” and “we proud ourself to providing” sounded Chinglish. As if written by a native Chinese speaker who’d had only a semester of English and who’s never set foot outside of Beijing.

    Sounded to me as if she’s bought a canned website from furrin’ lands and never bothered to change the placeholding copy.

    I’m still half expecting to find “all your base are belong to us” in there somewhere.

  7. ~Qjay
    ~Qjay February 7, 2018 5:12 pm

    Claire… You are in the wrong fucking industry. Go do what she is doing, please.

    I’m even okay if you are as bad at it as she is.

  8. Claire
    Claire February 7, 2018 6:21 pm

    Um … thank you, I think, ~Qjay. If being as bad as she is earns millions, I’ll definitely have to consider the career change.

    Must start inventing that fleet of refrigerated trucks ASAP …

  9. StevefromMA
    StevefromMA February 7, 2018 6:47 pm

    After Katrina, FEMA reportedly destroyed 1 million MREs they had bought, could never figure out why.

    Being an idiot is a requirement for some government service, apparently.

  10. QJay
    QJay February 7, 2018 9:00 pm

    Don’t invent, rent. When needed, they are already available, just ask any cargo carrier. Seriously, Claire, as a woman, you have an advantage. I try to get my wife to do it, but she is scared. We are West Coast people and she doesn’t want to risk her career in health care. It’s not that big a risk in my opinion, but it makes her happy.

    Sorry for name change, new device. Thought I was logged in…

  11. MamaLiberty
    MamaLiberty February 8, 2018 2:57 am

    The most terrifying words… “We’re from the government, and we’re here to help you.”

  12. MP
    MP February 8, 2018 3:15 am

    Poking around a bit I found her web site provider, whose site proved interesting in itself. Pakistani, which probably explains the “Chinglish” on her site and, to some extent, on theirs. I definitely got a kick out of their about page, which has a section headed “Meet with Our Best Experts” with the content: Team members are not added. Also, the two reviews, which read like eBay reviews, one saying “This seller exceeded my expectations, added all I asked for, and delivered earlier than I expected. I intend to use this seller again in the near future.”

  13. Claire
    Claire February 8, 2018 7:17 am

    It just gets better and better with Dr. Brown, doesn’t it?

    The words “due diligence” are clearly not in the vocabulary of FEMA contract managers.

  14. Comrade X
    Comrade X February 8, 2018 10:05 am

    I bet she did one thing right and that was to hire the right lobbyist.

    I wonder how many ex congress critters got some of this pie?

  15. larryarnold
    larryarnold February 8, 2018 10:44 am

    The words “due diligence” are clearly not in the vocabulary of FEMA contract managers.

    Sure they are. Compared to the emergency need for a million meals in a disaster area, I bet they exercised lots more dd deciding where they were having dinner.

  16. […] Still a frightening phrase in the English language. The bureaucrats in FEMA have been unprepared for every disaster they’ve faced. The Cajun Navy did more good in a couple of weeks than FEMA has done in a few decades. More on FEMA’s latest follies – Living Freedom […]

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