Today I told my local friend L. that I was going to take “hermit time” from November 1 through the end of the year and that for those two months I was making no commitments of any sort except those required to earn a living. That includes not making commitments for holiday plans with friends, though I might be up for something spontaneous.<\/p>\n
“You’re being so selfish!” she said. “Your friends love you and want to be with you.”<\/p>\n
“You’re punishing<\/i> me!” she said.<\/p>\n
Considering that I was, at that moment, taking six hours of my day to drive her to a doctor appointment, I thought the bit about being selfish was a particularly low blow. But I was perhaps more shocked that she took my retreat to be all about her.<\/p>\n
I’d just been telling her what a stressful year it’s been, how the JPFO debacle had taken the spirit out of me, and how desperately I need mental and spiritual renewal.<\/p>\n
She’d just been telling me how proud she was of having said no to a long-term volunteer commitment even after being told how much she was needed.<\/p>\n
But me saying no to holiday plans (that we hadn’t even discussed in detail) is punishing her. <\/p>\n
—–<\/p>\n
Because she’s not normally a narcissistic person I’m going to assume it was pain or pain meds talking. (She recently had surgery and is ingesting a daily pharmacopeia.)<\/p>\n
Or perhaps something about hermitting during the holidays is so heretical that she literally does perceive it as an attack on friends and friendship. “Have you told [furrydoc] yet?” she asked in a tone that implied I was about to lose all<\/i> my friends if I did this horrible thing.<\/p>\n
(Dear furrydoc blessedly won’t give a damn. Hi, furrydoc.)<\/p>\n
—–<\/p>\n
L’s angry words stung. But they also helped cement my resolve. <\/p>\n
If spiritual retreat is selfishness, then it’s time to be selfish. If friendship is nothing but fulfilling obligations and observing conventions, then it’s not time for friendship.<\/p>\n
Funny, L’s words — though shocking from L. — were familiar. That’s similar to the way my Protestant mother and sister used to talk about Catholic nuns, especially of the cloistered variety. Just a bunch of selfish women “doing nothing” when they could be out getting married, raising families, and actually helping people.<\/p>\n
Many people in many places have said the same of spiritual pilgrims of all kinds: Why don’t they just be normal<\/i> like everybody else? Why don’t they do something useful<\/i>?<\/p>\n
Well, I’m no nun and have so far made a pretty lousy spiritual pilgrim. But all my life I’ve understood, even if only from afar, the value of lives devoted to “divine nothingness.”<\/p>\n
My only regret is that I haven’t been more of that kind of “selfish.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today I told my local friend L. that I was going to take “hermit time” from November 1 through the end of the year and that for those two months I was making no commitments of any sort except those required to earn a living. That includes not making commitments for holiday plans with friends, though I might be up for something spontaneous. “You’re being so selfish!” she said. “Your friends love you and want to be with you.” “You’re punishing me!” she said. Considering that I was, at that moment, taking six hours of my day to drive her…<\/p>\n