Forgiveness has been a big topic, going all the way back into the dark-dark ages. I’m talking about people forgiving people, not gods forgiving people, which is a different and even more parlous topic.<\/p>\n
Modern proponents of forgiveness cite its personal healing value. Forgiveness, they say, doesn’t mean that you excuse a bad thing someone else did, and it certainly doesn’t mean you lay yourself open to being clobbered all over again. Forgiveness, they say, isn’t about the other person at all. It’s about you living at peace with yourself. About putting grudges and anger behind you.<\/p>\n
This all makes a certain amount of philosophical, spiritual sense. Anger and brooding are unpleasant. They don’t feel good and don’t improve us as people.<\/p>\n
Yet it seems to me that there’s something huge left out of all the urgings toward forgiveness. And that is this: if you put a bad thing behind you and let go of your anger about it, then how do you, as a practical matter, avoid being victimized by the same thing (deed, person, institution) again? <\/p>\n
Merely having a cool-headed intellectual understanding (“The IRS stole all my money, but I don’t feel anything about it” or “So and so will lie at the drop of a hat, but that no longer eats at me”) isn’t enough. Yes, you can say, “I remember that Jennifer is a manipulator and I’m going to avoid getting close to her because of it,” or “When Gerald gets abusive, I’ll just leave.” But if you don’t have some real negative emotion behind such resolutions, you’re likely to get buffaloed next time Jennifer or Gerald tries to charm you or promises that they won’t do the bad thing again.<\/p>\n
Anger — unpleasant though it is — is also both armor and incentive. When you remember “so-and-so’s” foul deeds, not only in your head but in the pit of your gut, you’ll protect yourself way better in the future than if you’re all sunshine and lollipops about it.<\/p>\n
Yes, forgiveness undoubtedly feels better in the moment<\/i>, but does it feel better in the long run if forgetting the anguish leads you to walk right back into similar situations?<\/p>\n
I’m all in favor of forgiveness, in a way. Yet it seems to me that those who promote it are leaving out that crucial “how to you protect yourself” element.<\/p>\n
On dogs, or one diva dog in particular<\/strong><\/p>\n At 13, Robbie is a tired old guy who mostly just likes to lie around and sleep. Lately he’s also developed a lot of fears and he often wants to lie with his head on my lap for comfort. Knowing he’s not going to be around all that much longer, I’m happy to shower him with all the affection and comfort he wants.<\/p>\n This situation is intolerable to Ava, who’s always been the star of her own life and expects all the human world to be as bedazzled by her as she is by herself. (There’s good reason her nicknames are Ava Diva and Her Royal Highness Princess Ava Prettypaws.)<\/p>\n Robbie snuggling against me automatically signals Ava to get in my face, wiggling frantically to make herself larger and more noticeable. If that doesn’t work, she goes and finds a ball which, though she may have abandoned that very same ball 30 seconds ago, simply must<\/i> be thrown for her right this minute<\/i>.<\/p>\n She’s not above trying to physically insert herself between Robbie’s head and my lap. Five years ago, Robbie would have threatened to remove her face over such an intrusion, but now he just sighs and moves away.<\/p>\n Only one thing deters Ava from her attention seeking. It’s this:<\/p>\n
![\"Ava-Dogfight-01_060914\"](\"https:\/\/www.backwoodshome.com\/blogs\/ClaireWolfe\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Ava-Dogfight-01_060914-450x337.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n![\"Ava-Dogfight-02_060914\"](\"https:\/\/www.backwoodshome.com\/blogs\/ClaireWolfe\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/Ava-Dogfight-02_060914-450x337.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n