Today I told my local friend L. that I was going to take “hermit time” from November 1 through the end of the year and that for those two months I was making no commitments of any sort except those required to earn a living. That includes not making commitments for holiday plans with friends, though I might be up for something spontaneous.
“You’re being so selfish!” she said. “Your friends love you and want to be with you.”
“You’re punishing me!” she said.
Considering that I was, at that moment, taking six hours of my day to drive her to a doctor appointment, I thought the bit about being selfish was a particularly low blow. But I was perhaps more shocked that she took my retreat to be all about her.
I’d just been telling her what a stressful year it’s been, how the JPFO debacle had taken the spirit out of me, and how desperately I need mental and spiritual renewal.
She’d just been telling me how proud she was of having said no to a long-term volunteer commitment even after being told how much she was needed.
But me saying no to holiday plans (that we hadn’t even discussed in detail) is punishing her.
—–
Because she’s not normally a narcissistic person I’m going to assume it was pain or pain meds talking. (She recently had surgery and is ingesting a daily pharmacopeia.)
Or perhaps something about hermitting during the holidays is so heretical that she literally does perceive it as an attack on friends and friendship. “Have you told [furrydoc] yet?” she asked in a tone that implied I was about to lose all my friends if I did this horrible thing.
(Dear furrydoc blessedly won’t give a damn. Hi, furrydoc.)
—–
L’s angry words stung. But they also helped cement my resolve.
If spiritual retreat is selfishness, then it’s time to be selfish. If friendship is nothing but fulfilling obligations and observing conventions, then it’s not time for friendship.
Funny, L’s words — though shocking from L. — were familiar. That’s similar to the way my Protestant mother and sister used to talk about Catholic nuns, especially of the cloistered variety. Just a bunch of selfish women “doing nothing” when they could be out getting married, raising families, and actually helping people.
Many people in many places have said the same of spiritual pilgrims of all kinds: Why don’t they just be normal like everybody else? Why don’t they do something useful?
Well, I’m no nun and have so far made a pretty lousy spiritual pilgrim. But all my life I’ve understood, even if only from afar, the value of lives devoted to “divine nothingness.”
My only regret is that I haven’t been more of that kind of “selfish.”
More than a little envious of your upcoming “Retreat From An Increasingly Insane World” (TM). Guess I’ll just have to content myself to taking more naps.
Your story of being called selfish while in the very act of working for somebody else’s benefit rings some bells.
Screw’em. Go for it and have a ball.
You know, you’re likely setting yourself up for a hermits worst fear…….a surprise party!
Glad to hear your resolve is cemented. Enjoy your “me time” and don’t let anyone talk you out of it if it’s what you want!
Joe in Reno — LOL! And L would be just the person capable of throwing that party. She has an enormous social circle — family, church, neighbors, friends she’s been collecting since high school. I’ll be on the lookout.
A.G. — Naps! A lost art.
Joel — I’ll bet I can guess who made such accusations about you. 🙁 Yeah, a little … disconcerting. Kind of Randian, people trying to hold you by saying you OWE them.
A two month retreat? Lucky you! May your joie de vivre multiply a thousand fold. Remember to dance.
Being the Pollyanna that I am, I’d take L’s reaction as something of a left-handed compliment. You are highly valued by your friends, and your absence will be felt. And those friends will ultimately get over it and be glad that you’re taking care of yourself. We here have even expressed concern about your possible absence. Do what you need for your wellbeing, but please don’t stop blogging to US HERE! 😉
I’d also agree with your suggestion that L’s reaction is largely generated by her recent surgery. It’s my experience that medical conditions make people feel very vulnerable, to the point that everything is, in fact, about them, regardless of what kind of people they normally are.
Don’t be hurt, but don’t be guilted into giving up on what you know you need.
L. must not read this blog, or she’d know you were planning a “retreat.” And if she is planning a party (to celebrate the new roof, perhaps?), she can put that off till after the New Year.
People who are into everything, with all kinds of social events hanging around them, often don’t understand ‘loners’; it’s the whole Introvert vs Extrovert thing again.
A retreat sounds wonderful. However, my husband seems to feel that my taking two or three hours away from his company is abandoning him. Retiring made him feel entitled to my time. I’ve resorted to going “shopping” for several hours–even though I don’t want anything and come home with only one thing from the grocery store to show that I’ve shopped. My friends think it’s wonderful that he enjoys my company so much. I enjoy his but not for 24 hours a day every day.
I’ve always enjoyed your insightful comments, and your tireless crusade for freedom from the big foot of government, but don’t think I’d want you for a “friend.” I’m well into geezerhood now, but back in the day, friends didn’t go public with personal conversations-not if they were real friends. Times have changed, I guess, and now everyone we know is considered a “friend” and there is no expectation of loyalty or privacy.
I recently had a job out of state (2 thousand miles out of state) for a while, so I basically lived a life of ‘enforced hermiting’ from all my normal friends and family. After decades of fulfilling needs on my time and energy that came from raising kids and their mothers’ demands, it was really nice to have time to myself. Nice to wake up Saturday a.m. and decide what I wanted to do and being able to do it with no complaints, whining, or competing ‘goals’ from anyone. Nice even to do my own laundry and fold my clothes the way I like it done. Yada yada.
I actually managed to get back in touch with who I really am, just by getting away from everybody else’s expectations for who they thought I was supposed to be. I like it, and I’m happier now than before, and was also able to dump a lot of ‘life-baggage’.
So Claire – you just take your time and do what you want to do. Real friends will stick to you, those who aren’t may fade away or leave in a huff – but who needs fake friends anyway?
My personal belief is that true character only shows up in stressful times. L’s just did. She failed the test.
I’m 68 years old, and always was quite happy with my own company given any opportunity. Have lived alone for at least 2/3 of that time, and have no desire to ever change that.
I was married for a while, and raised some wonderful children. Loved my mother dearly and called her my best friend. Have enriching and beautiful friendships now, both family and other, and consider myself blessed. Some of them even visit from time to time. 🙂
And yet… when they leave, whether short or long, I’m glad to settle back into my own ways and schedule. I’m happy they were here (or that I was there), but I have no problem being very glad to be back on my own with no obligations to anyone but myself and the silly dog.
I don’t have (or want) much of a social life, and don’t need a lot of people around to be content and feel “needed.” Others have different inclinations and it is hard for the seriously insecure and social butterflies to understand that not everyone is built like that. And so they accuse us of being “selfish,” among other things.
Those things really can’t have much affect if we don’t buy into it. More of that false guilt stuff. 🙂 If you don’t accept the guilt, they can’t control you. (Rand had that one right)
“My personal belief is that true character only shows up in stressful times. L’s just did. She failed the test.”
True about character showing in stressful times. And I admit I’m still grappling with the fact that one of my best friends not only reacted with hostility, but immediately impugned my character and my motives (as opposed to hearing me out, trying to understand, then saying it didn’t feel right to her).
Yet OTOH, there were people (L. herself and perhaps Graystone) who think I’m the one who failed L, not the other way around.
I’m inclined to go with what Karen, Pat, and MamaLiberty had to say; sick people can be self-absorbed and social butterflies tend to think if you don’t want to be with them (esp. at Christmas or other special occasions) you don’t love them. For now it’s more just something to try to work around than a reason to abandon a long-time friendship.
Graystone — I grapple with that myself. But the fact is that writers use their own lives and unless I’m going to pretend to be a dispassionate commentator on events having nothing personal to do with me, that’s how it’s going to be.
David — Thank you and what great experience. “I actually managed to get back in touch with who I really am, just by getting away from everybody else’s expectations for who they thought I was supposed to be. I like it, and I’m happier now than before, and was also able to dump a lot of ‘life-baggage’.” Hear, hear!
Mary — OMG, how suffocating. Yeah, it’s better than some sorts of relationships, I suppose. But you must feel sometimes as if you’re going to choke to death.
“Remember to dance.”
Gonna try, Bill. Gonna try. Thanks for the wonderful reminder.
Right now I know more about what I don’t want than what I do. I want solitude and no obligations (other than earning a living). The two months retreat might stretch longer. Will see how it goes and re-evaluate at the new year.
But just in case anybody’s still worried … this shouldn’t affect the blog, except in that I’ll be writing more from personal experience than from outside events/input, and I may be writing only a few days a week. Just have to feel things out.
Yeah, it might have been the drugs, but still (given the situation), L’s response strikes me as unthinking in the extreme. I’m with Shel on this one. Might revise my opinion if an apology comes back from her.
As to Greystone’s point, I can sorta, kinda see it. But it’s a blog. It’s going to be about personal experiences. It’s not like anyone was “outed”; there are no names called out.
Some people cannot relate to the notion that it is our own life, to do with as we please. In fact I have been surprised at times how few people really believe that, including some who I thought would surely have agreed that it is our life. Most seem to believe we are tied down with innumerable obligations.
With all due respect to those who visit this blog daily, I think Claire should take as much “me” time as she needs – including staying away from this blog for stretches of time if that suits her mood. At the risk of starting a “fight”, no one has any right to make demands of anyone else’s time – whether it be volunteer work or blog or any activity whatsoever. I visit here almost daily. If Claire were to take a short hiatus, so be it. She’s entitled. If you respect her, then let her be.
No offense intended to anyone but just had to say this.
I’ve probably said this before, but I believe people are innately givers or takers. I think the way to determine L’s classification is to look back and see if she has more than infrequently given of herself to others, when nothing at all is to be expected in return. Please don’t confuse a cordial demeanor or absence of overt narcissism with a caring attitude. If you look at it objectively, the conclusion likely will become obvious in a short time. I, like Paul B, would be skeptical even of an apology. It might only come with the realization that she’s screwed up big time, and the subsequent thought that “I need to be nice to this B**** – er, friend – or I won’t be getting much else out of her.” It’s also possible she’s stuck in a childhood-like psychological dependence as a result of her medical problems, etc. Even if that’s it, she needs to grow up. And from one pathological caretaker to another, don’t even think about giving her a chance to drag you down [hope I got those italics right].
It’s very important that we be aware of our needs. Your first big adjustment, I suppose, was your rejection of the standard corporate world. The decision for a hermitting spell is only the latest. As the old saying goes, if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t help anyone else. Just do it.
A few minutes ago I happened to read the following quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “Don’t wish me happiness. I don’t expect to be happy. Wish me courage, strength, and a sense of humor. I will need them all!”
Since you live in the Pacific Northwest and have vacationed previously near the ocean, you might like her wonderful book, Gift From the Sea. http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Sea-Anne-Morrow-Lindbergh/dp/0679406832/ref=la_B001H6S0UI_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413933042&sr=1-1 Be sure to use your link if you get it 🙂
Two thoughts:
1. Took me a long time to figure out that when “THEY” say “Why don’t they do something useful?” that what “THEY” actually mean is “Why don’t they do what I want?” {A couple of spiritual pilgrims helped me to understand such.}
2. I am reminded of the Bridge Builder:
An old man, traveling a lone highway, came at the evening cold and gray to a chasm vast and deep and wide, through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim, the sullen stream held no fears for him; but he turned when safe on the other side and built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” cried a fellow pilgrim near, “You’re wasting your time in building here. Your journey will end with the closing day; you never again will pass this way. You have crossed the chasm deep and wide. Why build you this bridge at even tide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head; “Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said, “there follows after me today a youth whose feet must pass this way. This stream which has been as naught to me, to that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be. He, too, must cross in the twilight dim. Good friend, I am building this bridge for him.”
———-
Claire, people such as yourself & Dave Duffy & even grumpy hermits who prefer East Bloc rifles to ARs are the Bridge Builders that “youth”, such as I was for many years, need to help us across the chasm to the freedom of the individual that “THEY” wish to crush & enslave.
So, with all due respect I must disagree with your statement that you have “so far made a pretty lousy spiritual pilgrim.”
Enjoy your rest; you have earned it.
True about character showing in stressful times. And I admit I’m still grappling with the fact that one of my best friends not only reacted…
Something I figured out a couple of years back that changed the way I judged situations.
When something happens to you, you’ll do three things: react, think, respond. You called what L did a reaction, and particularly given pain and meds it may well have been unthinking. (Or pre-thinking.) In such situations I try to give the person time to think and respond before closing the book on the situation.
Particularly when I can look back on so many of my reactions that I later regretted.
There are lots of books I could recommend, but…
Back when I was in college the just-off-campus movie theater, during finals week, ran a daily matinee, an hour and a half of roadrunner cartoons. Fine way to clean your brain.
Claire I love the term “hermit time” . I have never heard that concept before and it’s a wonderful idea . I used to volunteer everywhere and was gone almost every evening after work . That has all stopped , I have one more volunteer duty that ends in two months and I am counting the days .
Our society is rapidly changing and I have heard the term ” Everyone was angry but nobody knew why”. But our society seems angry and I don’t want to be a part of it. Now is not the time to extend yourself . Like A.G. I take more naps and I keep my own counsel . I trust in the good Lord above to show me some light and I try to let time be my friend.
I agree things are getting angrier; sadly, I only see it getting worse and not better. Michael Savage, per his style, doesn’t mince words about it http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Coming-Civil-War-Savage/dp/1455582433/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413990642&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+the+coming+civil+war+by+michael+savage#customerReviews
On a more serene note, Anthony Storr on Solitude is very worthwhile (some of the other books look good, too) http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_8?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=solitude&sprefix=solitude%2Cstripbooks%2C242
L sounds like my mother. Enough said.
I wish I could take a sabbatical. I would love to spend time with my animals and gardens and books and just myself. Not sure what I would do with the husband though. I sent him to Vegas for a week this summer, took vacation away from work, and had a great time alone. Sometimes we need time to recharge so we can fight the good fight. I am not sure why that seems selfish. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we eventually become unable to care for others.
Enjoy!
I confess I keep thinking about the situation, and it irks me more as I think more about it. In defense of you, I don’t think you went “public” with an issue with a friend, since you only identified her as “L.” And you’ve done nothing behind her back since she could read this blog if she wants. Pat suspects she doesn’t, and my suspicions are she’s too self absorbed to bother.
It’s starting to seem to me like a classic control issue. She reveled in her control over the people who badly needed her to volunteer and is attempting a remarkably blatant guilt trip on you to keep you doing her bidding. I may be wrong (not a new occurrence), but my guess is all you’ve ever gotten back from her are verbal thanks and the occasional sop, if that.
Manipulators think very differently than those of us who aren’t, so the behavior is often hard to recognize. My other guess is you wrote the entry because your gut is screaming an obvious conclusion at you and your head is trying very hard to talk you out of it. Been there, done that 🙁
I have to believe that if your “friendship” ends, all you’ve lost is a problem.
Echoes of Randian warnings against altruism: where sacrifices are demanded of some, there will be benefits collected by others. The contradiction is lost on anyone who accepts the term ‘selfish’ as a negative.
You know I am thinking of dropping a friend because lately all that I have been
doing is apolizing about my selve and my opions. If they can’t handle, I can
go back to being a hermit. Actually I do not need the grief and heartache any
more from so called friends. So go for it for yourself
Blessings
Debby
There are people to whom their connections with other people are as essential as breathing. To the point where depriving them of a single one of those connections, even temporarily, feels like cruelty.
There are people to whom their alone time is as essential as breathing. To deprive them of that time by piling on obligations and guilt or by forcing them into the company of other people, even friends, feels like cruelty.
Friendships between these two groups require an enormous amount of understanding on both sides. Most often, the understanding is on one side, and the other side suffers.
From this conversation alone (and from that bit about L having tons of friends and activities), this would seem to be what is happening. But, this is only one conversation, I can’t judge from that whether this is her medications talking, or if the meds are just letting it show easier.
So, it might be time to ask, was this outburst from her completely out of character for L? Or was it her usual point of view, just with the niceties stripped away?
If the former, then after the meds are done with she should come to her senses again. If the latter, then I’m sorry, but she’s not your friend. She’s your user.
(I’m not going into hermitage, but I am in the process of trying to clear out some destructive relationships. It’s hard, especially if they’re relatives, but it has to be done.)
There’s a big difference between “this may be a serious mistake you’re making” and “you’re being selfish”.
The former is an argument with which I have some sympathy…if I declared in October that I would neither make nor honor any plans to meet with anyone socially until after the new year…well, my friends would move on with their lives without me, my mother would kill herself, and the rest of my family would blame me for it…so except for my wife and whichever of my in-laws were willing to accept it as just another weird quirk, I’d be utterly cut off from the human race. Most likely for the remainder of my life, since making friends is…not easy.
But that’s my life, and your situation is obviously different. Whether it’s different in all the _relevant_ ways remains to be seen, but it’s your life, not mine. And if your choice proves to be a mistake…well, it’s your mistake to make. I’d advise against it, in her place…but you’re long since a grown-up, and even in the hypothetical world where we’re close enough that I’d be giving you life advice for real, you’re under no obligation to follow it.
But reacting with indignation and accusations of selfishness? Really? That’s just crazy.
I’m surprised this post drew so much comment. Lots to reply here and I won’t be doing everyone justice. But briefly …
Sam, thanks for the great defense of “me time.”
Shel, thank you for taking my part so eloquently. However, I don’t think that L. is a big taker. I think she’s very much a giver and not a control freak. She is, however, a very different person than I am & I think Ellendra pegged a large part of what’s going on.
I’ve sometimes wondered how L. and I became friends and stayed friends so long. She’s my opposite in so many ways: outgoing, unquestioning, sweet, religious, dependent, almost childlike (not childish), and totally 100% apolitical and conventional in her lifestyle. We share a love of animals and an ability to go places and do things together because neither of us has a regular job — but not a lot else. (Well, we both like garage sales and have fixed up old houses, too.) I’ve always thought our differences were good for perspective, though, and we’ve been able to talk calmly even when we disagree about things. Until Monday. Now? Dunno.
Yes, I’m still flummoxed by such a hostile, blame-filled reaction from a friend I’ve always considered to be a reasonable person. As LarryA says, it was a reaction, not a considered response. So I’ll wait and see what L. has to say. I sent her an email this morning asking if she could explain.
As lelnet says, all kinds of reasonable people could tell me I’m about to do something ill-advised, wrong-headed, etc. That would be understandable. Hostility & blame? Whole ‘nother thing.
I feel for you guys who have close family members who use guilt and blame and the handy accusation of “selfishness” to keep you in control (or try to). I know how hard it is — sometimes damn near impossible — to extricate yourself from such manipulators. Then it’s even harder (if you heard “selfish, selfish, selfish” all your life) to extricate those self-loathing attitudes from your head.
Actually I have made a friend in an aunt that is special. and I think that is about all both of us can handle. Since I have to drive about 80 miles one
way in a trucik that gets 10 miles to the gallon, I do not see her that much.
but we get alone just great. but the other firend and I differ on how to raise
kids and she gets all upset if her old hgithschool looses there foot ball game.
I think that she has been out of hight school since the 60’s. And she needs
two tons of peole are around her.Whereas I do not. O well such is life.
Please go for in Claire it is wonderful being alone.
Blessings
Debby
[close family members who use guilt and blame]
Heh, I have an interesting anecdote about that.
I come from a big family. When I left home and joined the Marines, within a year or so (don’t know why but probably in response to a letter from Mom trying to control me) I wrote to her and flat out told her I rejected everything she ever taught me. I made it clear I didn’t give a damn what she thought about anything at all. Part of that was that I also left the church at that point although I had just been going through the motions for years. I was pretty hard core in those days, definitely a serious case of teen rebellion.
The weird thing is that I never again had any problem with “family members who use guilt and blame”. I get along just fine with my brother and sisters and Mom – when I visit them, which doesn’t happen often. This is in stark contrast to those of my siblings who never really “cut the cord”, the ones who were dependent on them for money and emotional support. There was a constant underplay of some scandal or another in the family, lots of hard feelings. The one or two times a couple of them tried to hit us up for money, we just laughed. There was never any resentment about it, because I guess they knew nothing would work on us.
My mom (and therefore everybody else) left the Catholic Church shortly after I did. Guess she got tired of having babies, as well as my rejection of it.
I never planned it that way; that’s just how it ended up happening.
Paul — Isn’t that just the way it goes? Once somebody knows they can’t push you or manipulate you, they’ll often just give right up. Sometimes — gasp! — they’ll actually even respect you!