Oy. That sounds melodramatic. But there’s no way around it. For the last week I’ve been contemplating my mortality.
I’m not quite well. I’m not quite sick, either, but I haven’t been quite well for nearly two years. It’s taken me this long to add all the little things up and start to speculate (and finally, to take up that dangerous instrument, the keyboard, to learn what I could learn).
Damn, it pains and irritates me to say that. I’ve always had an iron immune system and robust health. But there comes a time …
Anyhow, about 18 months ago I did break down and went to a doctor. Several times. For all the good it did I might as well have gone to a witch doctor. So I eventually dropped that and have been taking care of myself pretty successfully.
Until Kit and I neared completion of The Book. Finishing a book is always exhausting. I figured, “Hey, a few days rest and I’m good to go.”
But I’m not. After a week’s rest, I’m good for about four hours a day. I’ll eventually have to try the witch doctor again.
There may be nothing wrong. There may be some ordinary, easily fixable thing wrong. There may be Something Really Wrong.
In the latter case I don’t plan to talk much about it.
But it’s had me thinking.
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Melodrama aside (and I do apologize for that), it’s been an interesting exercise. Although the Internet confidently predicts, via “your real age” quizzes, that I can expect to make it to 92 — still a long way off — I find that the thought of dying earlyish didn’t bother me.
The world’s getting so freaking bizarre that there might even be some relief in slipping out before the university snowflakes melt or some fool of a politician starts WWIII. I might miss the conclusion of Orange is the New Black or Stranger Things, but I’m getting awfully tired of Hollywood types and their smug superiority, so maybe it’s no big loss.
About the only thing that bothered me was (and is) the state of my spiritual life — which has always been messy and inadequate.
It’s not bothering me for the standard reasons. It’s not one of those, “OMG, if I’m going to die, I’d better repent and save my sorry backside from hell” things. I long ago figured out that, if the God of My Childhood is really the Big Man In Charge, I’m already doomed. The God of My Childhood was the kind who’s going to let about 72 people into heaven and they’re all going to sit up there eating popcorn, watching the lesser billions fry, grinning, cheering, and congratulating themselves on being so much better (and so much more humble!) than We the Damned. Him, I do not care to kiss up to. Them, I do not care to spend eternity with.
As Mark Twain said, “Heaven for climate; Hell for society.” (Even though technically I don’t believe in the whole business.)
No, my spiritual life bothers me because it’s my one and only spiritual life and it’s not what it ought to be.
Paradoxically I haven’t a religious bone in my currently rather feeble body. But I do have, and have always had, a compelling drive toward the ethereal. I hold a few, but powerful, lifelong “knowings” that are completely at odds with both my irreligiousity and my rationality. I long — constantly — toward something that is beautiful and true and good beyond what we mere humans can achieve.
Oh, I think we humans have done most amazing things. “God bless science!” I’d say if it made sense. “What a piece of work is man,” I’d add. Reason, logic, and a rigorous search for facts may be the greatest creations of humankind. Then there’s great art. Great literature. Great philosophy. When not being corrupted by some nonsense (often political) we humans, with our minds and our worldly resources alone, achieve wonders.
But. That doesn’t mean there’s not something else. Something bigger. I don’t know IF there is. I don’t know WHAT there is. I know only that something draws me.
I always put these longings in the context of conventional religion. Because that was too merely human in my specific experience (I respect that YMMV on that very delicate subject), my spirituality has been less of a pursuit of the numinous and more of a stone wall to slam into.
Whether I have 25 years or 25 months left, it’s time for the numinous and I to come to a reckoning.
Glad to see you back, but sorry you are not well.
One’s ‘spiritual life’ is a worthy subject. For many years, I did not know what that term meant because I, too, am not religious in the conventional sense. God is a concept that escapes me. For myself, I came to understand ‘spiritual life’ to mean my inner experience, either as a sense of order and peace, or a sense of chaos and turmoil (to borrow sentiments from Jordan Peterson). I wish the answers could be given by those who have it to those who do not, but it is a sole (soul?) journey with individually unique destinations.
It is interesting to me how invested I’ve become in your musings. When you went silent for several days…much longer than I expected….I became concerned. Concerned? For a person I don’t know? Yes. You’ve left a deep impression on me, and I care about that.
So I wish you peace, inner peace. I wish that for everyone. It is what sustains us and makes life good in the face of chaos.
I’ve finally rid myself of the urge to give unsolicited advice on subjects I know little about, to people I have never met. But I can wish you well over these internet tubes. I can let you know I’m… enjoying and injesting your latest book.
I’m pretty terrible at communicating empathy with written words, so I’m going to echo what Ron said about being concerned for you. I also agree that you’ve left an impression on several of us including me and if I can I’d like to offer a bit of perspective on the numinous.
The “God of your youth” may have been the result of people with agendas cherry picking Scripture to form an incomplete image of Him. To get a proper understanding of the nature of God, He has to be understood by what He’s revealed in His Word in it’s entirety, which is why the aforementioned cherry picking is so dangerous. If you want to understand the reality of Who we’re all dealing with, read to gospels of Matthew and then John.
Regarding the “humble” people in heaven- Micah 6:8 “He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?” Also notice Jesus’ reaction to the scribes and Pharisees in those gospels I told you about.
I know this wasn’t a lot, but I hope it helps you out a bit.
“The world’s getting so freaking bizarre that there might even be some relief in slipping out before the university snowflakes melt or some fool of a politician starts WWIII. …
“I long — constantly — toward something that is beautiful and true and good beyond what we mere humans can achieve. …
“But. That doesn’t mean there’s not something else. Something bigger. I don’t know IF there is. I don’t know WHAT there is. I know only that something draws me.”
That something may be HOPE for a better world.
The person who is basically optimistic (and even romantic), but has become cynical through experience and observation, can only see the worst because it is the worst that presents itself… that sticks itself in our faces… that is the noisiest and most obnoxious, so that is all we see and “feel” daily.
We KNOW there is better out there. We know, e.g., that most people are good and decent, and will do the “right thing,” but they are hard to find. Just think how overwhelmed and clean and uplifted in spirit it makes us feel when a good deed is mentioned in the news.
We know, too, that crime, “mental illness” (in whatever form it takes), cruelty, anger, and war – at home or in mass destruction – are NOT the norm for a human society, and we stand helpless before something that leaves us out of control.
So we look for a better world somewhere. It may be the reason that sci-fi is so popular; maybe that better world is on another world.
Ron Johnson said, “So I wish you peace, inner peace. I wish that for everyone. It is what sustains us and makes life good in the face of chaos.”
I echo that sentiment. And do take care of yourself.
I hope you start feeling better, Claire, both physically, mentally and spiritually as each affect the other. I’m in similar straights as you currently are, but trying to look forward and look to the positives in life and set a goal, Colorado, to have something to look forward to in life.
+1 on what everyone else has said.
How can I give advice when I don’t know the answer?
But know this young lady, you are loved and you are not alone.
Oh on you being back; it makes me feel like this;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JE2osIWmtLw
Sometimes I think my mom checked out early, (never going to the “witch” doctors, although she knew something was up), because there wasn’t much left she wanted to fight against. Hillary didn’t win. That brought her great joy. Gun rights were starting to be given their proper respect. Property rights always need defending, but people seem to understanding the most neglected lands were those already under government control. Even got the last communist off the local county commissioners board. Then all the best shows on TV were replaced with “reality” and shock drama. Besides, her boys were all grown and thriving.
I doubt she really wanted to go. I also doubt it concerned her much to stay. I hope it’s a long way off, but that we all can live a full and meaningful life that brings us to that same place. Maybe we will meet there again even…
As I have said elsewhere, I do have a religious bone, but it had always been subordinated to a skeptical mindset. Until one day i found myself sharing a one bedroom apartment with an unemployed airplane mechanic, riding a bicycle to a job I hated and looking at the wrong side of 60. No I did not discover Jesus, he and I have been nodding acquaintances for years. Rather, I went on a date (rather 2) with women that knew that there was a LOT more out there, than was dreamed of in our smug, blinkered philosophy. From the first I learned that there were calm, rational, successful people that believe in reincarnation, spirit guides and a benevolent Creator. From the second I learned to love again and explore such notions with an open mind. There are a lot of ways to approach a spiritual life outside religion (if possible I recommend my way), but one book that might get you going is “The Source Field Investigations” by David Wilcock.
As for your health, after years of following witch (both allopathic and homeopathic) doctor advice, I was depressed, at stroke level high blood pressure, suffered from a chronic auto-immune disease and was not functioning well at all. Then I heard a guy on late-night radio, talk about nutrition. His name is Joel Wallach and you can still hear him regularly on Coast to Coast AM. Get his book, “Dead Doctor’s Don’t Lie”, become your own physician. What the medical establishment is peddling is disease management, not health. Big pharma in particular does not care if you live or die, as long as they sell lots of drugs to you on your way out.
Claire,
At almost 77, the mortality thing is staring me in the face. It’s too late now to do the things I should have done. Can’t even get another dog for fear it will outlive me. Like you, sometimes I feel good and sometimes I don’t. Medical care these days is pretty much “by the numbers” so why bother?
Can’t discuss religion, because it’s all based on faith, rather than logic. Logic wins every time. It’s probably not a bad time to check out, as the world is one crazy place, and beyond redemption. Still, I’m not too anxious to make the transition. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been following you since my WebbTV days, and hope to enjoy your posts a lot longer. Hope you find what you need to keep going. Good luck to you!
As Comrade X said above,
You are loved.
Bob April 18, 2018 12:24 pm
Claire,
At almost 77, the mortality thing is staring me in the face. It’s too late now to do the things I should have done. Can’t even get another dog for fear it will outlive me.
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Bob,Im going to make arrangements with most reliable nephew,with kids,to watch over my dogs if i check out first.Cant imagine being alone and no dog. Kids and dogs are friends,so it will help.
Hope you feel better Claire,I dont know any answers.
Got my book,have some work to do before I read it.
I have been on that journey (searching for “God”) since pre teenage years. The harder you look, the more answers you get, the more questions appear. Which like (as I have learned) everything in the Universe brings you back full circle to the beginning – faith.
I identify as a Christian, but in life practice more of a Zen Buddhist not so much in a religious way but in a mind developmental way. I take great comfort in the fact that all of the heavy elements in my fragile body were born in the furnace of a dying star billions of years ago, and will return to that forge long after I am gone. So really, keeping our temporary human lives non permanent existence in mind, we never really die. On a Universal level energy and matter are recycled and reborn. Glad to have you back Claire.
Mortality isn’t something modern Americans want to think about, but Memento Mori used to be a thing.
That said, I hope you feel better.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re not doing well! Got that contemplating mortality thing going on myself, but am totally ok with the idea of dying, regardless of what comes next. Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way.
A rather eclectic conversation on finding faith late in life.
Takes place between a Haight-Ashbury-era-hippie-turned-Sufi, his Traditionalist Catholic wife, and some British sounding autistic podcaster who works at a thrift store.
In other words, you might enjoy it as much as I did.
The musical selections and interludes are strange, but then the guy is Aspergerian.
https://auticulture.com/liminalist-149-5-upton2/
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Do you know how I can activate/maintain cookies for your blog?
Concern here, too, Claire, but not ‘fear’. Yet, for reasons you know, I’m cautious about offering even opinions on a topic like this is a forum not my own, voluntarily entered.
But I can very much relate, “been there, done that.” No T-shirt, but I finally read the Book.
“I long ago figured out that, if the God of My Childhood is really the Big Man In Charge, I’m already doomed.”
Lucky us — in a Big Way, we’ve been Lied To…in ways that probably piss Him off, given that part about children and millstones.
So, two things.
One, I can pretty much guarantee you that “what you’ve HEARD He said, is NOT at all what He Wrote.” (That’s a modern, and I contend, pretty decent paraphrase of much of the message, but in particular – the ‘rhetorical device’ used repeatedly in the introductory examples of the “Sermon on the Mount”. Basically, What Men SAY He shoulda said, if He were as smart as they think they are. So He call ’em ‘hypocrites,’ a lot.)
And since that’s been a large part of what my message has been since I finally decided to “study for myself,” from The Beginning, and lose the baggage, I’m always happy to talk about it. There’s a lot on line on that topic in my own teachings, and I’m always happy to talk or write if you’re ever (voluntarily) inclined. But I don’t proselytize…
And two, His Name is not “the LORD God.” His momma never called Him “Jesus”, either. (if that’s the “only Name…by which we can be saved” — why doesn’t even MEAN anything in Hebrew?) There’s a reason a fellow named “Shaul,” warned folks about “another jesus, whom we have NOT preached.” If ‘fallen men’ (for all the reasons you mentioned) are determined to to lie about all of THAT stuff, what ELSE do they say that’s wrong? Almost like what He Wrote is True, but practically “every man is a liar.”
I don’t blame you for being pissed.
“In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.” Anne Frank I can’t say it any better than a 13 year old girl.
Wendy McElroy here. One of your biggest fans, Claire. I am enduring the same strange health as you are, but not with the same reactions. I’m not saying your reactions are right or wrong, but they are not mine. Each person finds his or her own reason to forge onward in life (or not)…and I don’t know how to describe mine without sounding as though I am preaching. So I will make a very brief statement. I am currently dipping back into Thoreau–hell, I’m plunging head first–because he was one of the voices who galvanized me in my youth. He still does. What/who made you feel most alive when you were 20? BTW, I am slowly returning to full health. Consider me to be a proof of principle, lady. I wish you nothing, nothing, nothing but the best.
If it was me, I would get checked for Lyme disease; you have the classic symptoms. Most doctors don’t fully understand what Lyme disease truly is and there are many tests that come back negative. So find yourself a doctor who specializes in Lyme. My son and his family have contracted Lyme, in some cases severely, and are now back on their feet; they live in Connecticut where it all started. Oregon has a healthy outbreak of Lyme spread by ticks, in fact, it’s spread throughout the U.S. In addition to antibiotic therapy start taking Ultimate Monolaurin, it does wonders. Good health provides for a good life!