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Friday (just for fun) freedom question

Yesterday’s news item about the 69-year-old man who “identifies” as 20-some years younger and demands a legal date-of-birth change has sparked some creative (albeit sneaky and slightly felonious) thinking.

Sure, the guy’s claim is Onion-worthy. But the most ridiculous self-identity claims are being taken seriously enough now for claimants to extort money out of victims — with the assistance of so-called human-rights tribunals (must read; that news out of Canada is as absurd as it is scary).

It may soon be that the only way to compete in a world gone mad is to “identify” as something totally self serving — something that will win you advantages with those who dole out money and unearned privileges.

We already have lots of people “identifying” as female or minority to get a leg up on government contracts (not to mention positions at Harvard). And since it’s becoming an established principle that we are whatever we “identify” as, and only unconscionable bigots would say otherwise … there may be no limit as to the scams that can be — legally! — worked here.

I thought “I identify as a person who never owes any taxes” had a nice ring. But Commentariat member Owl went one better:

Well hell, if he can be 69 and identify as a 45-year-old, then someone could be 60 or 45 or whatever and identify as a 70-year-old – and start collecting maximum Socialist Security benefits.

The gears in my head, they are a turnin. . .

So Today’s Friday Freedom Question — strictly for laughs, mind you — is: What wild-n-crazy thing would you “identify” as to gain maximum advantage when privileges and benefits are handed out?


  1. Bear
    Bear November 9, 2018 11:28 am

    “when privileges and benefits are handed out?”

    If that’s the sole criterion for this exercise…

    Hillary Rodham Clinton.

  2. kentmcmanigal
    kentmcmanigal November 9, 2018 12:18 pm

    I think I’d have to identify as God. No one can rule me or “tax” me, everyone owes me everything, and I’m not accountable for my behavior. If I do it, it’s good by definition.

  3. Joel
    Joel November 9, 2018 12:51 pm

    I suddenly feel the need to identify as a black anti-fascist transgender Samoan American Indian paraplegic illegal immigrant with Parkinson’s disease and AIDS.

    Did I miss anything?

  4. King of the Moon
    King of the Moon November 9, 2018 12:54 pm

    I identify as King of the Moon. The King of the Moon owes no one any taxes. Except for a few minor incursions people generally leave me alone. I can take a dump wherever I want (like SF). If you don’t leave me alone I’ll start throwing rocks at you (remember The Moon is a harsh mistress) and I know where you sleep at night. You, on the other hand, have a harder time throwing rocks or bombs at me and you don’t know where I am. Have a good business model and pledge peaceful fealty, I’ll help you get set up with a year of free water at the Moon’s south pole.

  5. Owl
    Owl November 9, 2018 1:03 pm

    I can’t be God, for Kent already got dibs on that. Polytheism?

    If relegated to being a mere mortal, how about I identify as a disabled veteran who served 25 years in the military* (pension! with disability!) and then worked in a high-paying government job for 25 years (pension!), retiring only after developing a disabling sensitivity to governmental bovine excretions (disability! socialist security!)

    *No slights intended to actual veterans, disabled or not.

  6. s
    s November 9, 2018 4:03 pm

    retired cop. Concealed carry in all 50 states

  7. MP
    MP November 9, 2018 4:28 pm

    I might opt for identifying as a retired president. $200K+ a year, health benefits, security detail…

  8. Iwoots
    Iwoots November 9, 2018 6:18 pm

    Hm, if I identify as the “Intergalactic Human Rights Tribunal”, does that me I can demand payment from the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal for whatever infringement I feel like imposing upon them for that day?

  9. larryarnold
    larryarnold November 9, 2018 10:03 pm

    I identify as a white male. Therefore, since it’s who I am, everybody should grant me the requisite white male privilege. And since I can’t help being who I identify as, I get to take advantage of the white male privilege guilt-free.

  10. wetcoyote
    wetcoyote November 10, 2018 5:40 pm

    My 1998 car with 249,000 miles wants to identify as a 2019 with 49 miles and I want to marry it.

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