“Definding” boundaries, part II

Back in November, I wrote about defending personal boundaries. I typoed, then later corrected, the headline; but as several people pointed out, the typo made a certain kind of sense. So here it is again.

In the original, I didn’t spend much time on why personal boundaries matter to freedom. MamaLiberty did that in the comments section:

I think the boundaries, and setting them, are an integral part of self ownership. If we know for sure that we alone own our lives and are responsible for them … we are at least not as vulnerable.

False guilt and ownership/responsibility issues are at the base of most of this, I think. We — especially women — are taught that much, if not all self ownership is “selfish” and anti-social. We are usually raised to feel obligated to subject our own needs, and even principles, to what others want and that to do otherwise is abnormal or even pathological.

And the result of all this is usually VERY self destructive behavior and attitudes in those who accept this false guilt and ultimate slavery. If they are convinced that their own ideas, needs and lives are unimportant or even evil, why would they strive to make the most of themselves?

She’s right. And she’s even more right that, in personal relationships, boundary-setting (and defense of boundaries) tends to be harder for women. But in political relationships, we’re all in the same boat. When the TSA demands that you submit to a grope or a porn-o-scan as a condition of exercising the ancient human right to travel, it doesn’t matter whether the grope/scan violates breasts or balls — or for that matter, both. In every case, it violates you — your sovereignty over yourself, your personal standards, and your very right to set and maintain personal standards. The TSA tells every airline passenger, “We own you. You will shut up, submit, obey, and reveal everything to us, right down to your nipples or foreskin.”

But of course a TSA grope-a-thon is only an extreme example of the ways TPTB routinely push our boundaries, or even tell us we have no right to boundaries at all. Nobody around here needs to be reminded of how the government and its pet media send messages that we’re selfish, or even dangerous, if we believe we have a right to own our own incomes or self-defense tools, or even have a little privacy. From womb to tomb, we’re subjected to messages that tell us there’s something wrong with us if we don’t conform, comply, obey, and live our lives for others — the latter not in a spirit of generosity, but in mere submission.

On the surface, it seems there’s very little we can do to combat the incessant demands of TPTB without becoming outright rebels and outcasts.

But the truth is that, the better skilled we become at setting and defending boundaries in our personal lives, the stronger we become at recognizing and resisting all kinds of boundary violations.

Here’s more from the original comments section:

Kent McManigal says:

It’s a whole lot easier for me when I’ve set the boundaries from the very beginning, and stood my ground all along. When I have given in once, “just to be nice”, I find it becomes a never-ending battle. I don’t know how to regain the ground I have lost in that way. So I suppose my advice would be to know where your boundaries are, and never compromise one, not even once, unless you are willing to let that one go forever.

Pat says:

As a kid and a young adult I was quiet, never spoke up, was gullible and tractable to a fault. One day I woke up with an ulcer. While recuperating from the ulcer (we were allowed to do that then, not just given a prescription and sent back to work), I suddenly realized that MY health was not worth ANYBODY ELSE’s desires. Without trying too hard, I began to speak up — and speak out — at work, around family, and in society in general. My personality became more outgoing, people respected me more, and I became more consciously happy. Though ulcers are now thought to be caused by “a virus”, I’ve never had another ulcer since.

In setting boundaries, we have to know if the other person (or situation) is really worth getting an “ulcer” for. I’ve learned toread the other person’s motivation when he starts to speak, and cut him off with a shake of the head, or a comment that I’m busy. Most times I just say No. I’ve found that a flat-out No… No, I can’t … No, I won’t be available … No, I don’t agree with that (if they want an explanation, they’ll have to ask for, and listen to, it) … is more effective and a bigger turnoff for future requests than any excuse, explanation, or attempt to be nice.

Sam says:

I had a friend for 40 years. We were close in many ways, but mostly because of a bond formed in Vietnam under high stress.

Every once in a while his inner bigot would slip into some off-hand comment. If I let it slide /just once/, he’d escalate over time, apparently thinking I’d changed. And anger would grow until I’d finally confront him. He’d at first defend his bigotry, I’d blow that all to hell, then we’d not see each other for a few months. But eventually we’d be pals again. Repeat every few years.

When I got into prepping I realized how important it is to trust those close to me. I’d trust this old friend with my wallet, but not with knowledge of my preps. That surprised me. I let the friendship die by not responding to emails (mostly jokes) and not sending anything.

When we moved out of the area, surprise number two dawned on me. I felt enormous relief regarding this person: it was really over.

Samuel Adams says:

One of my earliest attempts at defining my boundaries was when I decided to change my name. I was called “Sammie” while growing up. (Uh, OK, while in my minority.) I decided “Samuel” was a better name, and started insisting on it. Some folks complied immediately. Others took a while, usually relatives.

Ellendra says:

I’ve found that people respect boundaries when you don’t let them push past them. But, sometimes there are things that cause people to not want to push past. … A reputation for mild insanity or borderline autism also helps.

And sometimes, one just has to act like a &^%*h and then deal with the fallout.

naturegirl says:

Boundaries are great if you understand yourself well enough to establish some, if you actually have the guts to enforce them, and if you are willing to accept the trade offs for having them …

Once I figured out my core ones (the ones not decided on in a instant) I also noticed a new personality trait popped up: avoidance. I found myself avoiding people or situations I knew would become confrontational because of my personal boundaries (quick and simple example would be no longer flying due to not wanting to be publicly scanned and searched).

I find avoidance rather sad, but it helps to “protect” all those boundaries. I find having to trade off something is also sad — and at times it’s hard to decide who wins when other peoples’ boundaries collide with my own. One thing is certain, you own your boundaries – other people won’t follow them as consistently, as aggressively as you have to.

I find it fascinating when people automatically associate boundaries with something involving the body. That’s only a small piece of a very big puzzle that includes your heart, brain, self esteem, and especially your right to your own freedoms.

And naturegirl adds:

“How do you defend that boundary without constant spirit-sapping stress or perpetual and unacceptable risk?”

You say no, to others, to yourself in order to not waver … and not feel guilty for saying that word, either, then follow thru with your decision.

And so it is: You grow stronger and become more of an independent individual when you not only know and firmly set your boundaries, but doggedly defend them.

My original blog on this topic was sparked by the fact that a lot of advisors tell you how to set boundaries, but they’re only giving you half the picture. Very few go into what happens next: Chronic boundary violators will most likely go on being chronic boundary violators and the defense of your boundaries becomes a second, and in some ways different, challenge.

The challenge may be large or small, but it will be your challenge and you have to decide how to handle it. If you grew up being called Billy or Willie and now you define yourself as William, people who know you the least (or know you most recently) may quickly adapt to the change. But Uncle Joe may insist on reducing you to “Billy-Boy” for the rest of his days — sometimes out of simple forgetfulness, but sometimes as a sneaky way of trying to diminish you. And you’ll have to decide which it is and whether it’s worthwhile to continue insisting on William, avoid the pesky uncle, or accept that Uncle Joe means well but isn’t going to change.

We’d really like to believe that, once we rustle up the determination to set a boundary and tell the violator in no uncertain terms to stop, the problem will be over. But you know it rarely works that way. And the real test of our character and our relationships is in how we handle the next part.

Oddly enough, sometimes it turns out that the scariest boundary violations can be the easiest to stop — once the time and our message is right. If some coward has been slapping you around since childhood, informing him when you’re 16 that you’ll kill his worthless ass if he lays hand on you again can be surprisingly effective. On the other hand, you can have the devil’s own time fending off some “nice” woman who is politely determined that her social standards also be yours. She, being a microcosm of the dreaded “for your own good” crowd, can plague you as long as you’re willing to be in her presence, and nothing is likely to stop her short of avoidance. If you try to get firm with her, she’ll make it clear that you’re “overreacting” because, after all, she’s just “looking out for your best interests.”

No, chronic boundary violators will rarely stop — unless we impose consequences and accept that there may be consequences for us, as well. Ultimately, though, getting the boundary violators to stop is only one part — and perhaps the lesser part — of boundary setting and defending. The heart of the matter is that we understand ourselves better, own ourselves more strongly, and become more free by knowing and defending our personal boundaries.

And that comes in handy when facing the biggest boundary violator of them all.

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Part III: 10 Tips for defending boundaries.