I should have included this with part II, but I didn’t quite have my head together this morning. This is for anybody struggling with boundary issues and not knowing the way out. You guys who already have it all figured out can ignore this. 🙂
Ten tips for defending boundaries
1. Know your boundaries.
2. Know your weak spots where it comes to defending boundaries (e.g. being “too nice,” saying yes when you want to say no, giving in to internal or external pressure, giving money to the wrong people). Watch for those weak moments and when you recognize one, signal yourself to take a deep breath and give a response you’ve prepared for such times. (See 5 and 6 below.)
3. State your boundaries to anyone who’s violating or trying to violate them and make it clear (in a polite, calm way) why you’re stating them.
4. If someone continues to push through your boundaries after you’ve stated them, tell that person what the consequences will be if they don’t respect your limits (e.g. “If you ask me to take on one more task for you, I’ll give up one I’m already doing,” “If you hit me, I’ll divorce you.”). Be prepared to mean what you say and follow through on it.
5. If someone is pressuring you to say “yes” in a way that causes you to feel uncomfortable, always say “no.”
6. If you have a habit of saying “yes” to good causes, extra work, or extra social commitments, then later regretting it, say, “I need a day to think about it before I give you an answer.”
7. If you can simply avoid a chronic boundary violator, do.
8. If you can’t avoid a chronic boundary violator (e.g. a relative who wants to “change” you, a neighbor who wants to be too neighborly) and the person won’t respect your limits, you might eventually have to become harsh in telling them to back off. Don’t worry when they accuse you of “overreacting.” That’s just part of the game. They may be genuinely shocked by your firmness — but only because they weren’t listening earlier. Or they may simply be trying to throw a guilt trip on you. In either case, be glad you’ve finally hammered home your point.
9. If the unavoidable boundary violator is a boss or some other authority figure, you may not have the option of laying out consequences or getting harsh. But you always have the option of calmly sticking to your “no means no” guns. You may end up suffering consequences. You may also earn respect and develop toughness and integrity that will serve you well.
10. If you’re truly in a situation where you have no recourse, the first verse of the Serenity Prayer can help anybody, and the second verse is a bonus for believers. Alter it to suit your needs, but memorize it for those moments when it’s all you’ve got.
Boundaries are hard. Enforcint them sometimes is hard and painful. Some personal boundariies:
1. I don’t like being told what to do.
2. I don ‘t like being told how to do something I already know how to do.
3. I am the only one that can commit my time, talent or money.
4. I do not like social obligations. If I go to your party, it does not obligate me to reciprocate by inviting you to mine.
Etc.
For those habitual boundary offenders, be /willing/ to sever the relationship. I wound up doing this to a 40 year “friendship”. A side benefit I’d not expected is this new (to me) ability to say no (or whatever) with a quiet finality that need not be repeated. I feel like a new man!
All this new-to-me freedom in myself has changed many areas of my life for the better. I am now a volunteer fire fighter, more active in the family, and way happier with me. I still give a lot of me, but I choose. This is so cool!
I’ve found that prominently posting the prayer variant that ends with “and the wisdom to properly dispose of the bodies” goes a long towards protecting my boundaries.
Worked great on that WorldCom manager in St. Louis.
Lots of great thoughts here. I love the Serenity prayer, but have to amend it a bit.
I claim the courage to resist or clobber those who agress against me, and the wisdom to ignore or avoid the fools who would suck me dry.
True serenity is probably going to have to wait until there are a lot fewer fools…
I always figure that “serenity prayer” needs to recognize that some things that CAN be changed, shouldn’t.
Part of my livelihood involves swimming with a lot of sharks, so to speak, as it’s the nature of the industry. I live a pretty hermit-like personal existence due to the sociopathic types I’ve dealt with most of my life, but you DO have to sometimes leave your property and deal with other people and it DOES help to have a couple friends you can trust that trust you. It’s a continual learning experience dealing with manipulators and sociopaths. We’ve all been dealing with them since we were born, the KEY, in my estimation, is when you REALIZE what is and has been happening and formulate methods to deal with the people that are screwing up your life.
Setting firm boundaries and enforcing them is a lot better than ending interests and careers because a portion of the people involved SUCK.
Contrary to popular opinion in many quarters, trust is EARNED. Trust also needs to have at least several different levels, so as it is earned, you can better evaluate what it’s worth in any given person or situation.
I’ve learned, the hard way, that using full trust as the default – and only downgrading it as you are disappointed – is a sure way to disaster.
ML-My default is “GO AWAY”, and people slowly get more access to being around as they prove themselves trustworthy, but I still never entirely trust anybody. Lots of hard life lessons taught me that.
Michael W. Dean has a superb and practical exploration of boundary setting and defending in his book A User’s Manual for the Human Experience. Audio book here (scroll down for the chapter files):
http://www.podiobooks.com/title/a-users-manual-for-the-human-experience
I guess I’m lucky in being able to say, “No,” quite easily. It comes from having to deal with my mother, after she’d had open guilt surgery. The rest of the world is merely of amateur status.
Just found this excellent blog entry on setting boundaries. Called “Uncommon sense: Why you MUST speak out. For your own good
http://lreichardwhite.blogspot.com/2011/01/why-you-must-speak-out-for-your-own.html
Thanks for the great responses, links, and recommendations, guys. 🙂
I’m behind *blush*….
Before you can set up boundaries, you have to confront and understand fear(s)……Until you resolve what you think about that, you’ll always struggle with making and enforcing the boundaries……
Hi Claire!
NICE!!
VERY useful!!
“Shared” on facebook.
Health, happiness, & long life,
Rick
Thank you, Rick! And good to hear from you again.