It’s gotten easier and easier to become a “terrorist” in the government’s eyes. Buy too many MREs. Join a Tea Party group. Get the same tattoo that your friends have. Talk too much about religion or the Constitution … all of that — and more! — puts you in the “if some jerk sees something, s/he’s supposed to say something (about YOU!)” category.
But frankly, people, some of you are just too lazy. Too lazy or too blandly innocuous even to qualify as a terrorist suspect by those lax standards.
All your friends are making their way onto “lists” or getting reported to the FBI and the DHS … and there you sit. Everybody you know makes the grade, but not you. You’re like the girl who’s always on the sidelines at the dance because “even your best friends won’t tell you” about your BO or your halitosis or the fact that you have armpit hair as thick as yak fur poking out from under your prom gown.
But all is not lost. Even you, you pathetic loser, can now — with barely a pinky-finger’s worth of effort — join the ranks of terrorist suspects.
How, you’re asking? How? Well, it’s so simple even a dork like you can do it. And here’s how. Here’s the word straight from the FBI itself (via Cory Doctorow): Just pay for your coffee with cash.
There. Straight from the horse’s ass mouth. Pay for a five buck purchase with cash and all good citizens will turn you right in to the Authorities.
So go. Now. Be accepted by your friends again. Make one of those highly coveted “lists.” Go to your nearest Starbucks today.
I did that today. I guess I’m on the list now. 🙂
I also paid for my groceries and my dog’s vet visit in cash, and the receptionist at the vet office was shocked.
Do terrorists have dogs? Yikes! That’s a subject the FBI hasn’t covered yet. How will we know who’s a terrorist or not if they don’t tell us something important like that?
(Me, I’m suspecting the cat people …)
I kinda like girls with armpit hair. There- I’ve come out of the closet and I feel better already!
I’m also a “cat people” in a way, although I actually prefer the wild critters and ferrets and rats to cats. Just don’t tell the orphaned kitten I’m raising. The news might break his fuzzy little heart.
And, what about paying for stuff with silver? I’ve been known to do that.
What we need is the spreadsheet that the govt uses to add together all the factors that make a terrorist. Then we could all compete to have the highest terrorist score.
Oh, I like it, Paul! Having high terrorist scores could earn us bragging rights. Like having a high credit score or something. Good one …
Darn, according to other articles, this is for “internet cafes”, not regular coffee shops nor the local restaurant.
Guess I’ll just have to improve my “Potential Insurgent/Terrorist Score” by occasionally posting here.
lwoots — I should also add that this is old news and may not even be accurately interpreted (damn; it’s such good nonsense). But then, the brochure that lists the other things that Internet cafe operators should be on the lookout for is just as silly:
http://info.publicintelligence.net/FBI-SuspiciousActivity/Internet_Cafe.pdf
So don’t be preoccupied with privacy, download maps, read news reports of terrorist acts, log in to your home ISP — OR pay cash — while at an Internet cafe.
Claire, I assumed reading your blog got me on that list years ago.
Unfortunately I failed my terrorist final exam, I was told to blow up a bus and I burnt my lips on the tailpipe.
Terrorists must have dogs, it is why the cops keep shooting them.
Just drinking Starbucks should put people on the terrorist watch list because Starbucks refuses to ban the legal carrying of firearms in their franchises.
Funny about the paying in cash issue. In my area electroing banking has become so unstable I was contemplating pulling all the extra cash out of the bank and just use cash everywhere. Guess that would make me a marked man.
Man, I am in trouble! I went through several of those businesses based on what I have done in the last year. The FBI file on me must be at least 13 inches thick with all the stuff I have done of those stupid lists.
I guess I should expect the SWAT team at my door any day now or worse a drone strike on me the next time I am at the coffee shop and pay cash. Maybe if I use a credit card they will call off the drone strike, nah, too late, still have too many “violations” based those flyers.
Stryder, you are a very funny person. I really needed that laugh this morning. 🙂
I’ve always wondered if my FBI file has filled more than one file drawer yet… I’ve been at it for more than 50 years, so it’s probably at least one drawer by now. 🙂
When I made my quarterly taxes, I asked that my money not go to bombing Syria, congressional perks, Erik Holder, the NSA, guns for Mexican drug cartels, NPR/PBS “news,” advertising Obama care, legislative and executive good ole boy pay offs, and anything else not specified in the Constitution. Think I made the list? And my dog, too?
Claire, I loved how you featured this stupidity. Clever approach indeed. I copied and linked to it.
I also like the idea of getting their spreadsheet so we can score ourselves. It would be good for bragging rights (cute) and asses our threat level (serious)… but most of us know there is a FEMA bunk with our name tag already attached. It is far better than having to make the A list published by SPLC before you get any points at all.
I always pay for everything with cash. USE TO be that was the best way to stay off almost everyone’s radar.
Will we be able to trade in our PITS points (cool acronym Iwoots) like the old S&H Greenstamps?
When they decide that keeping fish is subversive, I’m in trouble.
(Actually, I’m sure I already am. Gun owner, freedom blog, TMM account, openly admit to building a ball mill, reloader …)
So you’re suggesting that the luster may have worn off The Fuzzy Bunny Militia and I should refresh my street-cred with the Empire?
I think the militia tag gets you a life membership. Besides which, we all know how deceptive that fluffy exterior can be.
This won’t do me much good. The only time I go to Starbucks is when the anti-gun folks call a boycott.
OTOH paying with $2 bills has to be worth something.
@jed – that deceptive fluffy part was a part of the original article, yes.
@LarryA – About two bucks, as a guess.
@Claire –
Agreed, Claire, although may I suggest wardriving as an alternative?